August 28, 2018

As I type this on my phone I'm guessing the people in the cafeteria at work are wondering why I'm texting so much over here.

Or ya know, that's just my brain after drinking too much all weekend (and Monday).

Honestly when I got an email notification for a blog I started in 2015 I was surprised, and wondering about what I was about to read. I wish I could say over the past 3 years I've gained emotional growth, insight over the past, and a love of being sober. I can't say that.

My new boyfriend is an alcoholic, like me. I know, right? Smarty pants me decided to let myself fall into the courtship and flattery of a 30 year old alcoholic. He's not a bad person. When he's sober. Where I get paranoid, he gets angry. It can create a not so good mix. I have threatened to leave many times but his words always change my mind... Plus, the fact that we live together and his mom got me my job and set me up for life. I have a job with a pension now thanks to her, where as before I would probably still be working at a grocery store.

Reading that old post made me want to change. I can't say I don't love my boyfriend, because I do. I just hate our lifestyle. I hate how he always wants to go to bars and be drinking, and I guess I do too, but I can't handle it and often times end up blaming him for whole weekends spent wasted at dive bars. I hate how he can turn mean and hurtful and not care when it's upsetting me. I sway between blaming myself and blaming him, yet reading that old post reminded me just how fucked up I was before we even started dating.

I want to give it a good honest effort to quit right now, but I feel defeated before I even begin. I try to stay sober every weekend, and every weekend I'm drunk and smoking cigarettes by Friday evening. I don't know what about sobriety I find so scary. The boredom? Feeling annoyed and alone when my boyfriend inevitably decides to drink? Saying goodbye to a lifestyle I've had since I was 17? I don't really know anything besides alcohol and I'm sure he feels the same. I do know my life is a lot scarier as an alcoholic.

It's like when the weekend comes around I forget why I wanted to stop drinking and 1000 reasons of why I SHOULD drink come rushing in. I had a rough week, I'm stressed out, I know he wants to drink, what else would we do all night? We don't really have friends besides the ones at the bar. I think he likes it that way. When we quit drinking for 2 weeks, the first night we drank was horrible. Like we were making up for the past 2 weeks.

I've been paranoid at work. I accidentally messaged a girl from work while drunk and made an idiot out of myself, I look like a drunk weirdo now. I apologized but her face was bright red, and I can tell she feels awkward around me. It's making work ve e e e ry uncomfortable. I feel like the group I work with talks about me when I'm not there and doesn't like me. I look for hidden meanings in what people say to me. I feel as. If everyone's an enemy, and dislikes me.

I am very much depressed right now. We drank on a Monday night, so I was hung over yesterday. Anxiety through the roof. Embarrassed to see the girl I messaged, as we cross paths multiple times a day. I know the depression is from alcohol, and you think I'd have learned to stop by now. Or ya know, not date an alcoholic.

I have to go back to work now. I wonder if alcohol will be in my life forever. Maybe I should go to a meeting or something. Try therapy again. Anything. Maybe I will try and post more than once every three years.

I suppose I'll start my story by saying that I know in my addiction I am nothing special, and there is nothing unique about alcohol dependency. I am part of a group of individuals who fell victim to the addictive and destructive habits of abusing alcohol.

I can't exactly place a finger on when it all started, but my therapist suggested it really began when I got my first serious boyfriend at the age of 17. She seems to believe that his heroin addiction pushed me over the edge, as I tried to drown my sorrow. I believe that it may have happened to me anyways, and I can't blame anybody else for my own actions. Could it have gotten worse after my pregnancy with his child and the following abortion? Probably. I have gotten a DUI, and still can not find solace in a sober life. 

The funny thing about getting older is, you never expect these things to happen to you. These bad things, addiction, loss, and acts of evil are things that happen to other people. Things other people do. I'm too young, pretty and invincible for my lifestyle to negatively impact my life. Even after bad things happened, I still don't really feel like it was me who did those things. I do wonder, will it make me stronger? Or will I not learn any of life's lessons until I can learn to put down the bottle and walk away? 

The boyfriend and I dated for three years. Two of those years he was doing heroin behind my back, stealing money from me,  lying to me about his whereabouts and the friends he was with. He ended up getting clean but I knew I could never forgive him for how he used me and abused my endless trust and love for him. 

I'm coming down from a 4 day alcohol bender. In that time frame I have slept with 2 different men, spent hundreds of dollars and missed a day of work. Today I lie on the couch and I hurt, I'm confused, and I know what I have to do. I'm just terrified, it will be giving up an old friend who always knew how to comfort me and make me feel better. Yet the friend is beginning to show his other, very nasty side. I tried to kill myself last night in front of one of my close male friends. I'm scared I would have done it. 

The reason I am starting this blog is to perhaps help me identify with my feelings and emotions about the things that have happened to me, and also to share my story so other people out there know they're not alone, that we didn't choose this pain. We are not weak for falling victim to addiction. We are not bad people because of the things we do while under the influence. We are still here, and we have to work on forgiveness, of our actions and the actions of the people who have hurt us.