I suppose I'll start my story by saying that I know in my addiction I am nothing special, and there is nothing unique about alcohol dependency. I am part of a group of individuals who fell victim to the addictive and destructive habits of abusing alcohol.

I can't exactly place a finger on when it all started, but my therapist suggested it really began when I got my first serious boyfriend at the age of 17. She seems to believe that his heroin addiction pushed me over the edge, as I tried to drown my sorrow. I believe that it may have happened to me anyways, and I can't blame anybody else for my own actions. Could it have gotten worse after my pregnancy with his child and the following abortion? Probably. I have gotten a DUI, and still can not find solace in a sober life. 

The funny thing about getting older is, you never expect these things to happen to you. These bad things, addiction, loss, and acts of evil are things that happen to other people. Things other people do. I'm too young, pretty and invincible for my lifestyle to negatively impact my life. Even after bad things happened, I still don't really feel like it was me who did those things. I do wonder, will it make me stronger? Or will I not learn any of life's lessons until I can learn to put down the bottle and walk away? 

The boyfriend and I dated for three years. Two of those years he was doing heroin behind my back, stealing money from me,  lying to me about his whereabouts and the friends he was with. He ended up getting clean but I knew I could never forgive him for how he used me and abused my endless trust and love for him. 

I'm coming down from a 4 day alcohol bender. In that time frame I have slept with 2 different men, spent hundreds of dollars and missed a day of work. Today I lie on the couch and I hurt, I'm confused, and I know what I have to do. I'm just terrified, it will be giving up an old friend who always knew how to comfort me and make me feel better. Yet the friend is beginning to show his other, very nasty side. I tried to kill myself last night in front of one of my close male friends. I'm scared I would have done it. 

The reason I am starting this blog is to perhaps help me identify with my feelings and emotions about the things that have happened to me, and also to share my story so other people out there know they're not alone, that we didn't choose this pain. We are not weak for falling victim to addiction. We are not bad people because of the things we do while under the influence. We are still here, and we have to work on forgiveness, of our actions and the actions of the people who have hurt us.